Letter To A Friend

Dear Squidward,
I'm sorry to hear restrictions where you're living have become even more unbearable. We'd be happy to have you join us in Transylvania. Here no one minds if you practice your clarinet too loudly or if you play with leafblowers. Everyone is different, and everyone respects eachother's differences. Our governors don't just pass laws like no instrument tuning past 6:30. All the regulations are reasonable, and citizens have the power to pass or veto a proposal, therefore having the ultimate say in how our city is run.
You wouldn't have to worry about your problem with hair growth - nobody looks the same, and things that might've been considered flaws, like baldness, are highly admired for their individuality. I'm sure you'd love to show off your musical genius at the summer festivals. It doesn't even matter that you play like you have asthma and can't hold a note for more than 3 seconds, the folks here will love that.
You should visit sometime. You could really use a break from Tentacle Acres, and I'm sure once you visit Transylvania you'll never want to go back to that boring life back home.

Best Wishes,
Allison Schueler